Stoic Soldier: Inspired by Jamie’s Daydreams by Kevin Atwater

Music has always been a huge literary inspiration for me, often creating playlists for projects I am working on. This gives me a sort of time capsule for that moment in my life that I can look back on.

In Kevin Atwater’s 2025 debut album, Achilles, the track list moves through a young Kevin’s experiences in expressing his queerness, often in unsafe or damaging ways.

The track Jamie’s Daydreams on the album impacted me immediately upon first listen, and the more I dug, the more I fell in love with this piece. When Kevin announced a literary competition where people can write their own stories based on Achilles, it was like my bat signal up in the air, and I knew I had to write something.

Stoic Soldier takes us into the moment we do not see in the song, and explores the intense, visceral emotions people go through when they begin expressing their sexuality dangerously, as many young gay men do.

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Stoic Soldier

I never wanted to be one of those people who relied on sleeping with people for any sort of validation, but it was a trap I fell into unknowingly. The strangling restriction around lust throughout my life, exploding like fireworks for better or for worse. It’d be late; in that silence, even the faintest whisper could feel like the loudest scream. That voice in my head that had a gag in his mouth all these years, could not sit idly by anymore. I don’t think that part of me is wrong or bad, just desperate. Desperate to feel wanted, desperate to be touched, desperate for the adrenaline rush of a late night drive to an unknown destination. Desperate to feel that danger that intrigued me ever since I was little. To not be treated like a delicate flower, or something that has to be protected, but instead like my your favorite journal- the pages ripped, the pages stained, the poems written. Beauty in the destruction.

As I pull up and the sound of my truck lulls to a stop, and my keys jingle like wind chimes as I step out onto the dirt road. My heart beats in double time as I move towards the door, my boots sinking into the muddy earth, that mud taking ownership of the tread of my shoes.
One

Two

Three
Three steps up to the front door, old, worn, and dilapidated in perfect harmony with the rest of the house.

Two knocks.

Silence.

Two more.

The metronomic steps from inside the house inch closer to the door, then stop. He is on the other side of the door, watching. Maybe seeing if I am worth it? I am, right?

The door creaks open and a face I can never remember greets me and orders my shoes off as he stands over me like a soldier, watching. I can feel his eyes on me, but he can’t know that. I can’t ruin the game we are playing. A chilling embrace meets my feet as they step on the wooden floorboards. He tries to play nice, but we both know how this is going to end. But we can’t ruin the game we are playing. I know what I’m doing is wrong. But I can’t ruin the game we are playing. And he is still, just, watching. I can’t bring myself to meet his gaze.

Maybe that danger is a part of the attraction, proving to ourselves that we don’t need saving, ever. An older man knows how to dream the most vivid, colorful dreams, but they live in the darkest, coldest of nightmares. Every guy who comes over gets drawn in by the dreams, only to learn that dreams do not come true. But by that time, you’re already engulfed in the nightmare with no escape. No way through but out. Even if it hurts. Even if there’s blood, I will be okay. I always am.

When he’s done, I lie. I tell him it was good for me too. Anything so that I can sleep in my bed, away from the stoic soldier lying on top of me.

Finally, the front door opens like the gates of heaven, or maybe the other side of the gates of hell. I drive home in silence, and when I take off my shoes, I see the dark mud that has tainted them, and I am reminded of the moment that earth was under my feet at his house in the middle of nowhere.

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 17: The Villains Roast

Welcome to my first post on my gay-ass blog where I talk about whatever my gay ass feels like talking about. This will probably include a lot of commentary on RuPaul’s Drag Race and Survivor content, as well as how me, a Latino Gay man, experiences life in the United States 2025. Maybe some of these will be turned into social media posts, who knows.

In this post, I breakdown The Villains Roast on RuPaul’s Drag Race season 17, and share all of my thoughts and opinions on the episode- the beginning of a weekly blog!

Okay, now let’s get past the boring stuff, ammirite?

On the docket for this post: The RuPaul’s Drag Race Villains Roast!

Before we get started, let me just say I am nothing but a twink with an opinion, so what do I know about drag. I am just sharing my opinions for a little giggle gaggle, so if you aren’t on board- skip ahead.

This week, we are all given a front row seat to The Villains Roast, featuring some notable Drag Race Villains. Opening up on our roast, we are introduced to our guests for the evening, Mistress Isabelle Brooks, a finalist from season 15, Plane Jane, a finalist from Season 16, and Kandy Muse a finalist from Season 12 and All Stars 8. our villains looked INCREDIBLE, the red looks were so unique and branded for each girl. I am not going to sit here and act like I am unbiased with our guests- I love all three, but I have been a Plane STAN since episode 1 of season 16. And yes, I’ll say it, Burger Finger did not deserve to be in the top.

Now, let me break down how this will work, I will go through each girl’s roast and rank them. Then, the runway the same way. If you agree, great! If you don’t, oh well, write your own blog. Let’s take a look at our Top 8-

The Villains Roast

Onya Nerve (3rd)

First up, we had Miss Onya. Now, I have been fully on board with Onya this season, and I had super high expectations for her following her performance on RDR Live. Onya looked good for her performance, but I personally did not care for the hair. Maybe it could have been. a little bit bigger? Idk.

Onya’s confidence can sell whatever joke she truly believes in, and that really came to her aid in this challenge. Coming in hot poking fun at Kandy’s… unique way of talking, everyone was eating out of the palm of her hand from the beginning.

My Favorite Joke:

“(Kandy) I would consider you the Tasmanian Devil of your season, so I’m going to speak this in a language only me and you can understand:

{UNINTELLIGABLE SCREAMING} , PERIOD.

Now me and Kandy are going to translate it for y’all, say it with me Kandy: If you don’t have star quality, get. the f*** out of here”

Next up *sigh* Arrietty.

Arrietty (8th)

We all knew what was going to happen, yet somehow it was still worse than expected. Arrietty has floundered in almost every single performance based challenge- so a roast? I’m gonna need some popcorn.

First, let’s start with the positive: She looked INCREDIBLE, but what else would we expect.

Arrietty couldn’t even pronounce Mistress’ name, and from that point on, it was a boulder down the side of a mountain as the awkward silence is underscored by the even more uncomfortable giggling from Arrietty.

Y’all, it was hard to watch. But then- the bitch steals Jewels’ jokes- which spoiler- weren’t even that good. So not only does Arrietty not know how to write jokes, she doesn’t know how to steal them either. The LOOK that Jewels was giving Arrietty when she realized Arrietty had stolen her material- put that shit in the Lourve.

My Favorite Joke:

“Go learn the music, baby” -Mistress

Jewels Sparkles (7th)

Poor Jewels- going on after Arrietty stole her material- oh wait- she made the order… tea. You shady bitch, Arrietty.

Jewels looks amazing, and her hair is as usual, perfection. She walked on stage with so much energy and presence, with her first joke “Wow, that was very- Intelligent”, referring to Arrietty’s performance. But, it was all downhill from there, as she began with a fat joke, then said she isn’t going to make a fat joke- then calls them fat jokes- a joke Arrietty had JUST delivered before her.

Honestly, this set was just… bad. She didn’t flop in a way that was entertaining like Arrietty, her joks were just… flat. Like her ass.

My Favorite Joke:

“Wow, that was very- Intelligent”

Lana Ja’Rae (2nd)

When I tell you I did not expect Miss Lana do give what she gave?? I was SHOCKED at how funny Lana was throughout her entire set. It wasn’t just a few moments- her entire set was solid.

Lana, as usual looks incredible, and her makeup and hair are specific standouts for me. I also love this metallic copper tone she is wearing.

Lana started off with a bang with her opener: “Wow Jewels, I could’ve said it better myself”. From that moment on, I knew we were going to see Lana how we never have before.

Lana shows off comedic timing we have not seen from her before (although I would argue we saw shades of it in RDR Live), and a self awareness that was refreshing compared to how she had been beating herself up the past few weeks. Her dig at herself for being known as “A disappointment” by the judges let us know we were in safe hands, and nobody was safe from her roast. She put her pedal to the metal and never looked back.

Lana closed her set with one of my favorite introductions of the night when she said:

“This next queen, she owns the stage, much like her family owned my ancestors… Sam Star!”

My Favorite Joke:

“Plane Jane, honestly I don’t have that much material on you because, some of these jokes honestly just white themselves.”

Sam Star (5th)

Now, I will be the first to admit, Sam’s style of Drag is not my favorite. I can appreciate the perfect polished pageant aesthetic, but generally, I am drawn to the more artistic and out of the box queens.

With that being said, Sam did a perfectly fine job! She played off of Lana’s introduction by calling Lana a “Long time family friend”. I thought this was a super effective way to start her roast, as well as poke fun at herself before she even looked at her cue cards.

I will say, Sam’s set felt very short, and it led me to wanting more. We got her three digs at the villains, but nothing more. Again, the jokes she told were good, but this was such a strong night that she ends up in 5th place.

My Favorite Joke:

To Mistress:

“Bless your heart… disease”

Lydia Butthole Kollins (1st)

Oh Lydia, I knew you had it in you. Seeing Lydia blossom in this challenge, it felt like I was sitting with some of my best friends cackling as we read each other- it was so effortless, fun and energizing.

My partner and I have been rooting for Lydia this whole season, and I think this episode is the perfect encapsulation of why Lydia transfixed us. She has such a dry, sarcastic sense of humor that doesn’t take herself too seriously. She also is quiet, but as we saw in this challenge, when she talks, she takes full advantage of every breath.

Lydia looked incredible during the challenge, in one of the more traditional drag looks that we have seen from her this season. Her makeup, as always, looks flawless as well.

Lydia begins with directing some of the roast towards the judges panel, something most of the girls did not even attempt. When she started going after the judges, I was fully on board and knew we were in for a treat.

Lydia’s roast was quick, smart, and dare I say, one. ofmy favorites in all of the roasts on Drag Race. I was rooting for Lydia, but I was not expecting her to deliver everything she delivered.

Lydia’s first read goes directly to RuPaul saying that since Kori King was eliminated, she was looking for a different bald black man to suck up to, pointing out that that must be why Ru likes putting Lydia in the bottom.

Lydia also strikes back at Whitney Cummings, the guest judge, who was reading Lydia at the table read for yawning. Lydia looks at Whitney and says “I am so sorry that I yawned yesterday during our table read. The truth is, I wasn’t tired, you’re just really f*cking boring”

I WAS DEAD.

I could honestly sit here and gush about every joke that Lydia made, but we do still have more girls to watch- though if it were up to me, I’d just watch this one.

My Favorite Joke:

“Mistress, it is an honor to be here with you. I’m a really, really big fan… is what Mistress would say if she was dressed like an oscillating fan.”

Susie Toot (4th)

Can someone tell me why Susie was dressed in Ella Vaday’s finale gown?

Now, I need to say, I am a HUGE Susie fan. As a musical theater gal myself, I know Susie. If you’ve done one musical, you know Susie.

With all of that said-

Why did she look like that?? Her makeup has been incredible and versatile, but here… no. And no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop seeing Ella Vaday’s finale gown- you know the one. If you don’t look it up and come back to tell me I’m right.

You can tell Susie was a bit thrown off by how well Lydia’s set went, and it impacted the beginning of her performance. She had some really good jokes, and I think she had a lot of smart and unique punchlines.

But that dress…

My Favorite Joke:

“Now, I am not going to stand up here and call you old, RuPaul. Because that would just be beating a dead horse… which funnily enough is Raven’s job description”

Lexi Love (6th)

I was so excited for Lexi, and I really did believe this could have been her chance to snag a second win. But, boy was I wrong. Susie introduced her as “A dumb ugly slut with no family or friends”… woof. I think after that, anybody would be in their head, especially knowing Lexi’s feelings towards Susie.

Do i think this was a deliberate attempt by Susie to throw Lexi off? No. I don’t think she intended to make Lexi spiral the way she did, but I do think she went a little over the line on purpose. I also wonder if Susie is aware of how Lexi feels about her, because if she doesn’t that could be a big part of the tension between the two.

As soon. as Lexi’s confessional came up talking about how Susie’s intro impacted her, it was case closed. Lexi did her best, but she never really found her footing, and her jokes, while funny, suffered from poor delivery, and came across as rude/mean instead of cutting and funny. Similar to the issue Utica ran into on Season 13, but not NEARLY as devastating.

My Favorite Joke:

“The only thing meaner than Plane Jane is Kandy Muse’s underbite”

Runway- Short Shorts

*for the runway portion I will use the Toot/Boot scale used on Fashion Photo Ruview

Onya Nerve- Toot

Onya turns the corner with these extreme denim short shorts that is giving her what looks like the most painful wedgie to ever walk the Main Stage. I could’ve gone for a different hair but I like it!

Arrietty- Toot

Are any of us surprised when Arrietty brings these stunning looks anymore? Arrietty walks the runway with an opulent headpiece partnered with a beautiful bright yellow cape/shawl situation was incredible. This is the caliper of drag we come to expect from Arrietty, and she continues to live up to those standards.

Lana Ja’Rae- Boot

Lana chose to recreate a runway look by Naomi Campbell in 2003. We have seen many a runway recreation on Drag Race, to varying degrees of success- think of when Keri Kolby wore the actual JLo Versace dress. But this look- no, Lana, no. Now, I see what Lana was going for here, and I think she achieved the look she was striving to recreate- however I think the issue arises when she did a recreation and not a fresh new take on the look through Lana’s POV. It’s very mall drag, but she looks good. I think she could have pushed this so much further, but I love her idea and reference.

Jewels Sparkles- Toot

This one, I was on the fence for. I like that she went for something unexpected, and I think the outfit is made very well. Personally, I think I would have preferred a different hair with this outfit, and (not to sound like Michelle) but a different color in the boddess, That color green is flattering on almost nobody, and I think this was my main issue with Jewels’ look. That being said, the look has a unique point of view, the outfit is constructed well, and it fits the theme. So I ended up giving this one a toot.

Sam Star- Boot

I think that this one is going to be controversial, but I promise this isn’t because this is Sam’s outfit, hear me out.

Sam turns the corner and walks the Main Stage in a full body football/BMX/armor look. When I first looked at this, I was very intrigued by the construction and how. shel anded on this concept for a “short shorts” runway.

I really like the pops of white across the entire outfit, I think it gives the eye a much needed break- which brings me to my issues with this look:

For me, it is WAY too busy. I like the idea she was going with by taking the short shorts into the more masculine athletic region, but I think her pageant background hurt her in this look. Every inch of this costume has been meticulously done, and I think that creates a look that is confusing to the eye, and leaves me not knowing where to look. I think she could have taken two or three things off, and simplified this look, and it would have been way more impactful, especially in comparison to the other looks on stage.

Lydia Butthole Kollins- Toot

Lydia’s runways have been hit or miss this season, but one thing you can count on, i that she will not look like anyone else on that runway. She held to this expectation as she walks the runway without skin, showcasing all of her inner organs- with the only skin making up the short shorts of flesh.

Now, I would be lying if I said this was a perfect look, it is far from it. However, something Lydia said at the beginning of the season that has stuck with me is that she prefers grunge and concept more than she does polish- and I think that is what we are seeing in this look.

I love the concept, and it is so unique to Lydia- who else on the cast would think of this twisted of a runway? The execution is where this outfit falls flat for me. However, the concept is so unique, and I understand Lydia’s aesthetic enough to look past those imperfections and give this look a soft Toot.

Susie Toot- Boot

SUSIE. This makeup is killing me. It was so distracting in the challenge, and the same makeup is seen on the runway, with it being equally as distracting. Susie took the category to an Elizabethan/Shakespearian route, which I think for her was expected. We have seen these theatrical/period costumes from Susie, and we know that is where her comfort zone lies. However, I think Jewels interpreted this category in a similar way, but made it fashionable with her own spin on it. I personally just did not care for this look- sorry about it.

Lexi Love- Toot

This look from Lexi was SO iconic. She turns the corner onto the runway in this strappy denim bodysuit with a train of denim shorts sewn together by her chosen family behind her.

This look was gorgeous, and of course Lexi knows how. to sell an outfit on the runway. She knows the marks to hit, where to look- it’s like second nature to her. I could also see Kylie Sonique Love, the winner of All Stars 6, in this outfit or something similar.

We learn that the tops for the week are Sam, Lana, and, Lydia while. the bottoms are Arrietty, Lexi and Jewels.

The judging for this episode was pretty cut and dry, and for the most part I agree with. the judges. However, I think I would have swapped Sam and Onya taking both performance and runway into consideration.

The win goes to Lydia, her first win of the season! I am so proud of her and I hope she doesn’t get Blu Hydrangea’d.

In the bottom 2, we have Arrietty and Jewels- come on, we knew it had to happen, right?

They lipsync to YA YA by Beyoncé, and I was READY to see Jewels eat up Arrietty.

But… neither of them really sold it for me? Arrietty took off her whole outfit just to perform, and had a rough nude illusion on for her outfit. Jewels did well, but to me didn’t really match the energy of the song. My eyes continued to go to Arrietty, and I thought: is this bitch about to send Jewels home??

But the judges decide to spare Jewels, and send Arrietty back to Seattle with all of her beautiful garments. As she left, Arrietty poked fun at the girls, saying: “Well, it looks like the runway category just dropped.. immensely! Y'all ugly boogers”

Leave it to Arrietty to stay messy up until her final breath on the show.

All in all, I loved this episode, and honestly, it was Arrietty’s time. I loved her on the season but 8th place feels right for the elf queen of Seattle.